The 2016 Chicago Urban Derby

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This weekend brings the return of the annual Kentucky Derby in Louisville, KY. RentConfident isn't serving Louisville (yet!) but we like to join in on the excitement and are sure some of you do as well. Here in the city were aren't known for our horses, but we do have some other unique modes of transportation. So in honor of the big race, here's what we think would make a great starting lineup for the first annual Chicago Urban Derby.

busStop Requested (Odds: 10:1)
Jockey: Toni, CTA Bus Driver
Trainer: Chicago Transit Authority
Colors: Navy blue, dark gray, navy blue cap
Earnings: $30 an hour.

Outlook: Amazingly agile at sneaking around other competitors and maintaining a constantly fast pace despite its imposing size and need to stop every quarter mile. Should be able to finish without any challenges unless the race begins at rush hour.

uberPricing Surge (Odds: 5:1)
Jockey: Mike from Naperville
Trainer: None officially, but he's dispatched by Uber
Colors: Khaki, white sleeves, blue baseball cap
Earnings: $10 an hour. No wait...$20... $30... $10... $40...

Outlook: Not a lot of training, but he makes up for it in motivation. Unfamiliar with track layout. If GPS fails, may not know how to get to the finish line. May have to put the race on hold if another city is offering a better prize.

bikeOn Your Left (Odds: 7:1)
Jockey: Scott, 1871 member and lakefront cyclist
Trainer: Completely self-taught! (After 22 rounds of venture capital funding and 3 years of coding boot camps)
Colors: Neon blue, white lightning bolt, neon blue and white quartered hood
Earnings: None to date.

Outlook: Excellent at bootstrapping the vertical bleeding-edge SaaS scaleable elevator pitch. Could finish strong if not stolen away by more attractive vehicles coming up from behind.

cabCurried in a Hurry (Odds: 3:1)
Jockey: “John” from Lahore
Trainer: Fly By Night Taxi LLC
Colors: Yellow and black
Earnings: $3.25 plus $2.25 per mile plus $0.40 per minute plus $0.75 per passenger or $24 to the airport.

Outlook: Aggressive racer. Really, really aggressive. Prefers passing on the right, especially in right turn only lanes. The favorite if able to avoid unexpected, alarming U-Turns.

joggerFirebreather Fran (sponsored by CrossFit) (Odds: 15:1)
Jockey: Joy, CrossFit Enthusiast
Trainer: As Many CrossFit Gyms as Possible
Colors: Purple and black, white headband
Earnings: Currently losing about $700 a month for gym fees, training and supplies but her personal gains are astronomical.

Outlook: Totally able to keep up with all the motorized, wheeled competitors thanks to CrossFit. Has lost previous two races by stopping to do one-armed push ups. Will finish the race 20 times if she finishes once. Did we mention that she does CrossFit?

carriageRomantic Tour (Odds: 25:1)
Jockey: Thomas, retired office worker
Trainer: Chicago Horse and Carriage
Colors: Black and white, white sleeves, black top hat
Earnings: $80 per hour.

Outlook: The only member of the field featuring an actual horse. Typically runs at a romantic pace. Will most likely struggle on the portions of track outside of the downtown area. Will only be at the starting gate during evenings and weekends if it doesn't rain.

street-cleaningSixty Dollar Ticket (Odds: 8:1)
Jockey: Ahmed, street sweeper operator
Trainer: Chicago Department of Streets and Sanitation
Colors: Sky blue
Earnings: $60 for each competitor it passes during the race (Plus $60 in pension funds. In theory.)

Outlook: Lack of training during winter months might put this racer at a disadvantage. Races with a distinctive whir. Competitors should be well aware of its approach due to the sudden appearance of bright orange signs. Skilled at swerving around other racers. If in front early, expect a litter-free track.

scrap-truckPiled High (Odds: 10:1)
Jockey: Manny from Honduras and his six children
Trainer: We have no idea, but he keeps showing up anyhow.
Colors: Rust and silver
Earnings: $10 per ton for scrapping all the other vehicles after the race

Outlook: This champion has crossed the line many times despite apparent lameness and severe handicapping by discarded refrigerators, furnaces and water heaters. Expected to make a strong finish again, but not on any track visible to the public.

icecreamPersistent Earworm (Odds: 14:1)
Jockey: Mr. Tastee the Ice Cream Man
Trainer: The Dairy Board
Colors: White, white sleeves, white cap
Earnings: $40 in spare change and suspiciously sticky bills

Outlook: Will have to take the long way around, as ice cream trucks are banned in several Chicago wards and he cannot risk a breakdown within 200 feet of any restaurants. Will provide a definite distraction for other racers due to its noisy approach and promise of sweet treats.

presidentHail to the Chief (Odds: 4:1 in blue states, 100:1 in red states)
Jockey: United States Secret Service
Trainer: The Illuminati The Democratic Party of the United States
Colors: Red, white, blue with a hint of socialist pink
Earnings: $400k per year from the pockets of hardworking taxpayers, plus unknown amounts of dark money from the pockets of hardworking anonymous shell companies.

Outlook: Likely to finish in the lead without any obstructions due to its ability to close off the track to civilian racers. However, will be severely hampered by innumerable pointless roadblocks once the course ventures beyond the Chicago borders.

That's the field! Make yourself a Malört julep, put on your fancy hat, and enjoy the race in true Chicago style!

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Published by

Kay Cleaves

Jon Hoferle