15 Tips for Preparing and Hosting a Holiday Party from Your Uptight Downstairs Neighbor

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A handwritten note slipped under your neighbor's door explaining that you're having a holiday party and to “feel free to stop by” is not an invitation. Use only invitations that come in small envelopes, are printed on cardstock, and are delivered at least two weeks before the event.

If you need to make several trips to bring in bags of food from the grocery store, do not prop the front door open. This can cause a draft. Always use the back stairs for this.

Only vacuum between 10 A.M. and 6 P.M. Since many people are not home during these hours, this will reduce the chances of your neighbors thinking that they live under the train tracks.

If you need to rearrange furniture pieces to prepare for the party, make sure to pick them up and put them down softly. Always make sure that the legs are tipped with rubber or felt.

If you are going to put your cat in the bedroom for the party, make sure that it doesn't meow. Meowing can cause any pet birds in the building to become very nervous.

Before your guests arrive, tell them to text you instead of using the buzzer. Make them feel welcome by going downstairs and letting them in, taking care to close the door softly behind them.

Make sure your guests remove their shoes as soon as they get in the building and have slippers available for them to wear once inside. This will reduce the amount of mud and snow in the building and give a good impression to the guests who arrive after them.

Make sure the party music is light, instrumental, and not too loud. Loud music can make good conversation difficult and can cause hearing loss over time.

Avoid the use of onions or garlic in your appetizers or main dishes. If you must use these, make sure to buy plenty of air freshener for the hallway.

If you have friends with loud voices or high-pitched laughs, make sure they know that others live in the building. A good way to remind them is by making a gentle “shhhhhh” with your mouth.

If guests are going to have conversations on the porch, let them know that their voices will echo off the building walls, increasing their volume. To make it easier for them to remember, refer to the porch as the “outdoor library.”

Let your guests know that every time the toilet is flushed, water can be heard running through the pipes in other apartments. The only people who enjoy this have already moved to Niagara Falls. Maybe post a note saying this.

Games like chess that require strategy and thought will add drama to the party.

Keep in mind that when you open the windows, the heat from your neighbors gets sucked out too. If it gets too hot, advise everyone to be very still for ten minutes and breathe deeply.

Parties should be over by no later than 11 P.M. Remind your guests around 10:45 so they can get their things together and leave all at once. Say your goodbyes with the apartment door closed.

Published by

Jon Hoferle