Category: Lighter Side

Editor’s Note: This article is written in the style of Sir David Attenborough, a well-known narrator of nature documentaries for the BBC. If you are not familiar with his enormous body of work, you can find some examples on Youtube.

Here, in the middle of the vast urban expanse of Chicago, humans are not the only citizens. Some of the great wonders of the natural world take place in and around the Chicago Apartment. Join me… as I explore this world of extraordinary creatures.

Just outside the back door above the third floor landing, a section of roof hides a quiet little space. Sheltered from the driving rain and the howling wind, two determined and resourceful creatures endure the unpredictable and sometimes violent spring weather. These creatures are...

Pigeons.

The existence of majestic creatures like these raises many questions. The most compelling question may be how these pigeons manage to thrive in both a hostile climate and an urban landscape fraught with danger.

As I get closer, I see that this very beautiful pair of dirt-colored birds are keeping each other warm. There is little doubt that this monogamous couple have done this all winter. Because their attachment to home is so deep, the pigeon does not migrate like other birds. These special and precious birds are true city-dwellers.

(pigeon cooing)

Is there a bird that makes a more elaborate, more beautiful, more complex sound? There are contenders, yes, but the pigeon is certainly near the top of the list.

With his orange eyes, the male is peering out from their shelter. Now, with a dramatic flap of his wings, he has left the nest and landed on the porch railing. The female, drawing her head inward, does not want him to leave.

The male surveys the rain-soaked landscape, perhaps looking for an overturned dustbin or perhaps just showing off the breathtaking greenish band on his neck. A great variety of the pigeon's ornamental plumage evolved because the females find it irresistible.

He has spotted what appears to be a piece of popcorn tossed on the porch by a well-meaning tenant. This one morsel will ensure that he and his lifelong mate will remain at their current nesting spot for years to come.

Despite their beauty, these pigeons carry within them a microcosm of their own, full of tiny creatures that can be dangerous to humans. Hidden within their colorful plumage are fleas and mites that will merrily colonize human hair or pet fur. Even the pigeons' waste serves as a home for potentially deadly bacteria and poisonous fungi. These vast but dangerous colonies attract the urban pigeons' main predator: concerned landlords.

The cries of distressed tenants alert the landlord, who descends upon the pigeons and mercilessly ends their time in their tiny roost. But it will only be a matter of months before another pair make their home here and the cycle begins again.

Next time, we will explore the astonishing world of the mouse.

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Want more "Life in an apartment?" Check out the first article in the series!

RentConfident is a Chicago startup that provides renters with the in-depth information they need to choose safe apartments. Help us reach more renters! Like, Share and Retweet us!

A few months ago Jon posted some Fractured Fables, using renters and apartments in place of the classic animals from Aesop's Fables. Today we've got another one for you, this time a joint offering from both of the RentConfident owners, based on the fairy tale “Hansel and Gretel.”

Editor's Note: This story may cause issues for survivors of sexual assault. Unfortunately, it finds its roots in events that have occurred in real life, and therefore we feel it is a necessary article.

The Tale of Hannah and Gretchen

Hannah and Gretchen worked hard to afford a small apartment in the big city. Although the appliances were old and the floors were worn, they lived there together for many happy years and made the space their own.

Their landlady lived in a comfortable house nearby with her husband, a chubby little man with devious eyes. One day after going through the mail he turned to his wife.

“You know,” he said, “those two girls who live in our apartment have a lease which expires next month.”

“They're good tenants,” said the landlady. “They're quiet, friendly and pay on time. What are you implying?”

“Of course they are,” he replied, “but they're getting too good of a deal. Property taxes are going up. Water bills are going up. The kids' tuition is going up. If we removed the girls and renovated that apartment we could get a lot more rent for it.”

So it was with a heavy heart that the landlady gave Hannah and Gretchen 30 days notice to move out of their little apartment and turned them loose into the big city. Continue reading Fractured Fables for the Modern Renter: The Tale of Hannah and Gretchen

Some St. Patrick's Day parties start early in the day. Sometimes they last all night too. Sometimes all the corned beef and cabbage in the world can't stop some bad things from happening to your apartment and areas in your apartment building. If you want to make amends or request repairs but aren't feeling so well today, don't worry. Just use this handy fill-in-the-blank form and you'll be well on your way to atonement.

Note for the truly hungover: We do not condone actually submitting or printing this form for use with your real landlord.

Tenant-Landlord Form 317: St. Patrick's Day Apology

Dear ,

My name is . I live at .

Regarding yesterday's events, I would like to apologize for my lack of respectful behavior towards this property and the people living in it. The following checklist contains the details of my apology.

Property damage/defacement

I apologize for... Continue reading [Humor] Crazy party? Wrecked your apartment? No worries! We’ve got a form for that.

Imagine there's a fictional university dedicated to renter education located right here in Chicago. Its name is City Renter University. Within this university, there are many different departments, professors, and courses.

In January, I shared a list of fictional course descriptions offered by the Department of Apartment Hunting (DAH).

Of course, not every student wants to focus on apartment hunting. Some have their eyes on the bigger picture, and know that once you find the apartment you have to actually move into it. Good for them!

For these students (and for all of you out there), I'd like to introduce another department in this college: The Department of Moving and Disagreement (MAD). Their course offerings on the City Renter University website might look something like this:

The Department of Moving and Disagreement

With great history and tradition, The Department of Moving and Disagreement (MAD) welcomes our students. Our program features one of the smallest student-to-furniture ratios in the country. The many opportunities to interact face-to-sweaty-face with our outstanding faculty allows our students to grow as movers and sharpen their skills at arguing about “the best way to get it around that corner.” Below you will find courses offered for First Term 2016.

MAD 102 – Foundations of the Moving Lexicon

This introduction to the language of moving allows students to develop, disseminate, and integrate the concepts of the diverse dialects, speech communities, and guttural sounds of the moving process. Students will learn the cultural contexts in which yelling “Turn it TOWARDS me” actually means “Turn it AWAY from me.”

MAD 105 – Digital Liberty and Setting Things Down

An examination of the conflict between fingers, toes, and the state power of heavy objects that seek to crush and imprison them. In MAD 105, students will analyze the compelling ethical questions behind the individual's surrender to the force of weight and the conditions and circumstances under which not dropping an object may qualify as torture.

MAD 204 – Motivation, Paint Fumes, and the Brain

This course focuses on the analysis of motivated behaviors (e.g. putting that chair in the corner) and the neural and cognitive processes that influence such behavior in a freshly painted apartment. Some field work is necessary. Field discussions may include lack of inhibition, brief mild euphoria, and increased hostility due to headache.

MAD 217 – The Unwilling Helper: Studies in Persuasion

Students will explore the best means to persuade an unwilling individual to participate in the moving process, paying special attention to bribery, shaming, and coercion. Course activities will include critiques of presentation techniques and the study of body language to determine the likely validity or falsity of excuses.

MAD 335 – Patterns and Cultural Identity in Box Labeling

This course reflects upon the consequences of faster and clearer labels on moving society, with an emphasis on the political and economic migration of those boxes marked with contents and destination rooms. Course participants will be required to make and wear their own "content" and "destination" labels for the duration of the term. Students labeled "fragile" may be dropped.

MAD 370 – Not Heavy but Awkward: Dance in Moving Society

Students will research the effect of improvisational and experimental movement as art, exploring themes such as originality, authenticity, and the methods through which different moving societies negotiate the cruelty of narrow stairways.

MAD 398 – Professional Moving Field Experience (12 weeks)

CRU lifting straps are available in the University Bookstore.

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Do you know someone who would make a great student at CRU? How about potential instructors? Do you have an idea for a great course of study at CRU? Share it with us in the comments!

RentConfident is a Chicago startup that provides renters with the in-depth information they need to choose safe apartments. Help us reach more renters! Like, Share and Retweet us!

Editor's Note: This article is written in the style of Sir David Attenborough, a well-known narrator of nature documentaries for the BBC. If you are not familiar with his enormous body of work, you can find some examples on Youtube.

Inside this enchanted multifamily building, life is swirling in a spectacular dance. Despite its calm brick exterior, this building is home to an exciting collection of animals. Between the walls, insects teem, feasting on glue and grease. Majestic birds, descendants of small feathered dinosaurs, make their homes in its eaves. Thousands of miles from the African plains, a feline predator waits for mice or daybreak.

This is a place of wonders. The Chicago Apartment.

Life here has been called nature's secret – for in these rooms, life has evolved to thrive behind locked doors.

Join me... as I explore the world of the extraordinary creatures of the Apartment. Continue reading Life… in an Apartment (as narrated in the style of Sir David Attenborough) A Nature documentary.