14 Awesome Quotes about Apartments (From Comedians, Authors and Philosophers)

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There's very little comedy in apartment research. That's probably for the best. I don't think anyone would find it funny if our reports ended with "Ha ha, just kidding." However, it's important to laugh sometimes, so this week I've scoured the internet to find funny quotes about apartments and apartment life. Here they are.

Stephen Wright Photograph: NBC/Getty
Stephen Wright Photograph: NBC/Getty

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

-Steven Wright


My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, hey, hold on fellows, lemme hold one of you and feed you a leaf.

-Mitch Hedberg


Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

-Robin Williams


My apartment complex isn’t. In fact, it’s rather simple.

-Jarod Kintz


I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

-Ron Burgundy


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen. I want to live on in my apartment.

-Woody Allen


For every year past the age of 27, you need to take another step toward commitment somewhere in your life. Instead of freelancing, you get a staff job. Instead of renting, you buy. Fine, instead of couch-surfing, you rent.

-Tracy McMillan

Mokokoma Mokhonoana via dividedandconquered.com
Mokokoma Mokhonoana via dividedandconquered.com

12% of people marry because they are completely in love. 88% of people marry just so they are then liable for only half of their rent.

-Mokokoma Mokhonoana


I think of birth as the search for a larger apartment.

-Rita Mae Brown


I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a flyswatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

-Demetri Martin


When two men live together they usually maintain a kind of shabby neatness out of incipient rage at each other.

-John Steinbeck


I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it. But it made my landlord mad as hell.

-Garry Shandling


My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

-Mitch Hedberg


I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

-Steven Wright

Published by

Jon Hoferle