35 Terms That Should Be Banished From Apartment Ads (and what they really mean)

There are a lot of Internet listings for Chicago apartments. One could spend several lifetimes trying to read them all. Since we have but one lifetime, it seems reasonable that each apartment listing should immediately share the neighborhood, number of bedrooms and baths, and offer a few words honestly describing the apartment.

Well...maybe two out of three ain't bad.

The agents who write the listings have got the location and bedrooms/baths down cold. It's the honest description that trips them up. A quick browse of the first 100 apartments listed on Craigslist City of Chicago apartments tells me the following:

8 are spacious.
7 are gorgeous.
7 are modern.
5 are beautiful.
5 are luxurious.
4 are upgraded.
3 are renovated.
3 are remodeled.
3 are charming.
2 are cute.
1 is affordable.
1 is nice.
1 is clean.

The only one I believe is the clean one.

I have seen maybe 7 apartments in my entire life that I'd describe as “gorgeous." Am I to believe that there are 7 gorgeous apartments available right now on the first page of Craigslist alone? No, of course not. The agents who write the ads are embellishing. I don't blame them. Their job is to rent apartments. Fewer people are going to be interested in a “pretty okay” apartment than a “gorgeous” one. Their job requires them to write in a different language.

And the best way to understand a different language? Translate it. So...here goes:

• affordable – contains at least one major flaw
• amazing – amazing to a small child, in the way that car keys are amazing
• awesome – great for beer drinking, loud music, and yelling
• beautiful – plain, but the best you can do given your current financial situation
• cable–ready – actually a time machine that only travels to the 1990's
• charming – in need of repair, possibly infested with something
• convenient – any closer to the train and you'd be sleeping in the hobo corner
• convertible (1BR) – oddly shaped studio
• convertible (2BR) – 1 BR + a closet that wants to be a bedroom someday
• cozy – cramped, uncomfortable
• cute – cozy with decorative flair
• darling – so cozy it cuddles you
• desirable – includes snobby neighbors
• exquisite – bright, dystopian, unsettling
• garden – basement, likely to smell of mold, gas, and/or death.
• gem – an oasis of awful in an expensive area
• good – terrible
• gorgeous – ordinary
• luxury/luxurious – money–suck, characteristic of things that suck money
• massive – awkwardly large, impossible to furnish and decorate
• modern – cold, emotionless
• nice – ugly
• perfect – imperfect
• playful – oddly shaped
• quaint – cozy in an old people way
• quiet – inconveniently located
• refurbished/rehabbed/remodeled/renovated – see updated/upgraded
• spacious – can probably fit a bed **and a chair**
• stunning – causing a gut reaction
• stylish – pretentious
• unique – bizarre
• updated/upgraded – younger than the apartment building itself
• urban – it's been over 20 days since our last gang-related shooting
• vibrant – noisy
• vintage – falling apart, broken

Got more? Share them in the comments.