Author: Jon Hoferle

Dear Pedestrians,

When I walk to the El, I like to have everything planned out. I know when the train is supposed to leave. I know how long it takes me to walk to the station. I know I have to cross a busy intersection with a stoplight, so I know exactly where I need to be when the green arrow appears to be able to cross on that light cycle. While it may sound unhinged, I do in fact plan for all of this.

However, I cannot plan for is how other people choose walk. Some of those "other people" are making my little walk far more difficult that it needs to be. That is why I'm writing this instructional letter for them.

Sidewalk walking is a pleasurable activity, and it's one of the easiest types of walking there is. It's not beach walking or mud slogging or quicksand sinking or moon bouncing. You know what would make it even easier? If everyone stayed to their respective right hand sides when walking. Just like driving. Continue reading An Open Letter to Pedestrians on my way to the El

Many years ago when I worked in property management, responding to tenant complaints was a big part of my job. Many of these complaints were about their neighbors. Most of them were the fairly standard ones about noise, partying, and littering. Some of them, however, were quite a bit more bizarre. I’d like to share with you some more of the strangest tenant complaints that I ever received:

1. My neighbors on either side are leaving trash bags out on the porch. This morning I woke up to multiple rats running back and forth between the two and squeaking like it was a party.
2. Someone stole all my sheets and pillowcases from the dryer. This is the second time this has happened.
3. My downstairs neighbor keeps feeding the pigeons from his back porch. Whenever I use the back stairs, I have to practically step around ten pigeons to get to my door. I'm afraid one of them is going to follow me inside.
4. Someone in the building is using a device to block signals to my AM/FM radio.
5. I think my upstairs neighbor cleans her floors by dumping a bucket of soapy water on the floor then mopping it up. There is soapy water running down my walls (again).
6. My neighbor doesn't clean up after his dogs. When I tried to talk to him about it yesterday, he and his dogs fled down the alley.
7. There is a single beer can outside my neighbor's front door. It has been there for several days.
8. The guy who lives in the basement apartment never wears a shirt when he does laundry, and it's kinda weird. Also, I know that he owns more than one shirt.
9. I think my next door neighbor's bed frame is loose and maybe needs to be moved either farther from the wall or more snugly up against the wall.
10. I gave a spare key to my neighbor in case I ever got locked out, and today she stole maple syrup, sausages, oatmeal, and hot chocolate from my apartment while I was at work.
11. Whenever an ambulance passes, my downstairs neighbor's dog howls along with the siren.
12. Someone upstairs was yelling really nasty insults out the window at the parade going by today. I don't think this reflects well on the building.
13. My downstairs neighbor pounds on her ceiling with a broom handle from the moment I get home to the moment I leave. I don't wear shoes in the apartment and I don't know what to do.
14. Neighbors on 3^rd floor are having some sort of contest for throwing glass bottles into the alley.
15. In the middle of the night, I can hear my neighbor loudly saying “I love you” over and over to his cat.
16. My upstairs neighbor is literally practicing tap dancing.

Want more crazy tenant complaints? Check out the first article in this series!

In the universe of my imagination, short communication doesn't stop with text messaging and tweets. It continues to the cloud of network names that you can only see by trying to connect to wifi in assorted locations around Chicago.

Fictional neighbors in apartment buildings are talking to each other. They argue. They advise. They complain.  All this takes place on the available wifi networks screens on their computers, tablets, and smartphones.

Please join me as I visit them on my completely made-up journey.

Neighborhood: Edgewater
Building Type: Four plus one

• Shoe Lover
• Rainbow Connection
• Loud Walking Hater
• Miss Piggyback (WiFiiiYa!)
• Magic Triangle
• Your Feet Are Neat
• eeeeewwwifi!

Neighborhood: Albany Park
Building Type: Courtyard Continue reading [FICTION] 10 tiny neighborhood dramas as seen through their wireless network names

Do you ever think about something so much, you start to see it everywhere? For many people, it's probably a food they're craving, a big project that needs to be finished soon, or someone they have a crush on. For me lately, it's apartments. Sometimes I'll be doing something perfectly normal, like grocery shopping, and then suddenly I'm thinking "If this grocery store was an apartment, then there would be a lot of slow old ladies on the lease." Weird, right?

Well, yes. I've decided to put my apartment fixation to good use.  However, instead of imagining mundane things like the grocery store apartment, I've imagined what it would be like to live in several Chicago landmarks. Try to picture an (admittedly absurd) world where something like The Bean is your apartment. What would be the pros and cons of living there? Read on to find out.

The Bean (aka Cloud Gate)

Pro

• close to downtown
• management company keeps the outside very clean
• your bean bag chairs are appropriate and practical

Con

• curved floors require custom furniture
• neighbors constantly changing, but every single one of them spits water at you
• no way to tell if your outfit looks good
• enormous "Windex" budget, no windows.

Wrigley Field

Pro

• located in heart of Wrigleyville
• big yard
• no need for cable subscription to watch Cubs home games
• grounds crew great at landscaping

Continue reading What Would It Be Like To Live in a Tourist Attraction?